"Where are we going?"
"Out of our minds"
Across the Universe (2007)
"You — you alone will have the stars as no one else has them. …In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You — only you — will have stars that laugh."-
Antoine De Saint-Exupery (via quotewhore)
Such a beautiful quote from Robin Williams’ daughter.
Well, look where life has brought us now.
I think the last time I posted something on here, I was living in my nice apartment in Vegas with my little, still not official with but sleeping with Marlon, I was working at both my jobs in Vegas and was unhappy with my life.
Well now as I write this I am in the room of my mother’s house in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. I quit both jobs, packed up all my stuff, said bye to all my friends and family, and took the leap and moved out here. What the fuck. If someone told me a year ago that I’d be living in California I would have never believed them. Of course, it was no secret that I loved coming to California, but those trips would only last 1-3 days every other week or so. And now.. everything has changed.
I currently work two jobs, at my mom’s office and at Kabuki (just started there, kinda hating it so far). I’m spending more time with my two best friends, CJ and Kimi, than I ever thought possible. I met the most amazing guy out here, as well, but he kinda lives about an hour away from me. I’m going to school for pre med to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor one day.
Things have really changed. My original plan was to move out here just long enough to get my prerequisites done in a timely manner, then apply to the medical school in Vegas and live in my dad’s house. Only… I have something that may be keeping me here, in Cali. Let me talk a little about Emil.
He’s constantly bursting through my mind. It was, at first, a subtle but consistent image of his face in my head. Him looking at me with those eyes, arching his eyebrows just so, like you can feel the sadness and yearning pierce through you. When he looks at me I feel like I’m naked, like he sees right through me. But he never falters. His eyes never shift around or look away when I am talking to him. They don’t wander down from my mouth to my chest, making it so obvious that he is not paying attention to whatever I am saying. No. His eyes are always steady, and in his stare I find myself feeling so.. whole. So grounded. Like I am stuck there, mesmerized by his gaze and in the world everyone has disappeared but he and I in this bubble of electric energy.
When I think of him I feel such a natural high, like breathing in a fresh breath of air from the top of a mountain you’d spent your whole life struggling to get to its peak. I feel this and yet I’ve never felt so grounded. I am speaking in metaphors and my ideas oppose each other but I am not sure how to describe this feeling any other way.
I have never felt this way with another person. I have been hurt so many times, at my fault and others, but he fills up every piece I felt was missing from any other relationship. Every inch of coldness I felt, he warms me up at his own pace until I am ready to melt in his arms. He makes me so vulnerable because I have willingly shown him the deep and dark parts of my past. He knows my handful of successes and countless mistakes, he knows I have very little patience and my unforgiving temper, he knows every ugly part of me and yet he still thinks of me as beautiful. Still looks at me with those eyes, the eyes that break down my walls and fills my mind with ease.
I know now what it feels like to think you have found “The One.” It’s unchartered territory yet when facing the future, I am not afraid. He makes me fearless. I can’t wait to see him again. Goodnight.