5/9/12 1:54AM
I had such an amazingly productive day. I slept in til 10, showered and did laundry, so that way my parents could see me that I’m home.. Cause they’re pretty upset with me that I havent been home lately. In fact over the weekend I literally did not go home at all for 3 days straight :/ I feel like a jerk. So I’m tryna get back on their good side by being home more and coming home at earlier times (my dad told me by 2 am eww..) So I left and went to eat at yummy sushi which was really good! Then went to the library and studied for a while. Then went to the gym and I worked out so hard today! Spin was amazing as usual lol and today it was just me and Chang! After spin we did abs and talked a good talk. I love her. :) and then we went on the track cause I really didn’t feel tired enough. I was kinda looking to like. DIE. In the gym today. So we were jogging or whatever and I sprinted for a bit. Then afterwards I went back to the library to study.. And thennnn I went to my Lil brhos basketball game! It was SO fun! I love cheering them on! Jc’s Lil brother is so cute and I love his mom! JC was the star player of the night so next time I go I’m bringing Nique and were making signs. YAY lol. I was screaming for everyone and it was just a good time in general. Then after the game -they got killed- I think everyone went to yardhouse but I went back to the library and I went hardcore with my studying. I had a really good 2 hours. So now I’m home. At 2 in the morning. My body feels fucking amazing and I can already feel how sore I’m gonna be tomorrow.. I have my exam at 8 am so I’m gonna try to sleep for a bit now.. Blegh.. Just get this OVER with!
OH And I also was able to enroll in some 600-level classes and I’m EXCITED! K that is all. Nighty
5/4/12 5:50 pm
I’m laying down literally half dead right now. I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in the past 48 hours and still going..?! And lol owwiieee my whole body is soo sore from my workout yesterday but it hurts so good!! Determined to get a dayclub body! >:D blahhh I still don’t know what the heck I’m gonna do about my formals date. It’s whatever. Everything will fall into place eventually. I’ve just gotta have the faith. Cause as long as you have faith, you can be happy. It’s trusting that everything will be okay. And you know what? I think everything WILL be okay! :) And even if things don’t turn out the way id like them to turn out now, then that just means its not the right time for me. Everything happens for a reason.
Everything comes all in good time.
This is my mindset right now.
And I am content with where I am in relation to where I am going.
Formals
I waited as long as I could and now the deadline’s here and I can’t wait anymore… :( I really didn’t wanna go with anyone else but by now everyone knows and we still haven’t talked and I have no choice but ask another guy to be my escort.. :( I don’t like this.. I’ve never taken anyone but you to a formals event before. And we’ve been to 4 together already.
I know it’s easier if I don’t think about it and if you’re out of sight/out of mind, but it’s actually really hard. Sometimes I’ll be perfectly fine and then the reality hits me really hard. Like now. Knowing that I cant take you to formals. God this sucks.
Welcome to your new reality, Jaclyn.
Accept it and move on….
:/
Revelation
Nothing,
absolutely nothing,
governs what I do
or how I think
or how I act
or when I cry
or when I laugh..
Nothing but me.
This thought hit my like a ton of bricks.
I don’t want to be sad,
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I control my OWN thoughts
And I don’t want to think about it.
5/9/12 6:55AM
Every night I go to bed thinking I made it through another day without you.
Every morning I wake up with the realization that it’s not a dream and the reality hits me again and I’m discouraged to the point of exhaustion. Exhausted to the point of insanity.
I exhaust myself every day hoping it might drive the insanity away and I can just slip into slumber without interruption or without these discouraging thoughts or mental images of you. I see you EVERYWHERE in my head. Why don’t you rest? I keep seeing your smile, hearing your laugh, feeling your arms around me, I see your hand reaching for my hand. The images are relentless, they never end! Why? :(
And now it’s a new day.. Again.
Sigh….
I Would Have Never Guessed.
Right now I’m the most vulnerable I’ve been in a long time.
And I realize how pathetic I sound. You don’t think I hear it?
But why do you keep talking to me?
Honestly, if the roles were reversed i would NOT talk to me, not now.
But you don’t ever stop asking me if I’m okay
And you always answer my messages right away.
And you have never cared what mood I’m in or what time of day it was,
You’re just there. So easy to talk to.
It’s almost gotten to the point where
if you don’t text me back I get worried.
And I would have never guessed.
And I guess, thank you. It means a lot.
I’m surprised no one else has really seen it,
but you’re such a nice person,
and a great friend.
<3
